Category: Inventions

Super Guitar Hero

It’s pretty self-explanatory.  I didn’t invent this one though.   My friend Phil Matza who operates the Arpema School in Bourg de Peage, France sent this to me.

There’s a new version in the works too: “Ultra-GuitarHero” model has an extra knob marked “asshole” Funny though. If you turn up the beer knob, the asshole knob goes up automatically!

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Blame Shifter

Blame Shifter – Any mistakes you make get transposed down two octaves so
that everyone thinks it was the bass player. Deluxe version comes with “deadpan” updates.

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Taste Proximity Maximizer

Taste Proximity Maximizer – While it does absolutely NOTHING for your playing,
it makes everyone else LOVE everything about what you play.

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Digital Intendor

Digital Intendor – Listens to what you played, and outputs what you meant to play.

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Solo Looper

Solo Looper – Press the “A” button and the audience wants you to solo longer.
Press the “B” button and the drummer stops stepping all over your licks. Press both and suddenly there are no lyrics in the tune, only solos.

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Analog Pay Tranposer

Analog Pay Tranposer – Step on this baby and the clubowner pays you ten
times the agreed upon price, unless you agreed to play for the door.
Then, you just get the door. Not the money. The door itself.

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Russian Dragon Quantegimizer

Russian Dragon Quantegimizer – If you’re rushing (russian) it slows you down. Conversely, if your dragging (dragon), it quantemigizes your playing. Yes. Quantemegizing really is a word…. Maybe.

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Blues Driver

Blues Driver – push it and it gives you a ride to the south side of Chicago.

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Digital Predictor

Digital Predictor – Play your licks BEFORE you play them.

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Clam Filter

Clam Filter – Listens to everything you play, and removes your mistakes. The “Fried Clam” is for those with a penchant for smoking illegal weed. It replaces that unmistakeable smell with “Air of Wollaston Beach Aroma” and helps you remember what song you’re playing.

Caution: this devise has no effect on your appetite.

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